Teasing Rimmer
by Harukayo
Summary: Lister finds strange ways to annoy Rimmer just one as of yet though, more to come. Very mild Rimmer/Lister slash, mostly in jest on Lister's part.
1. A New Game

_**Oh, yeah, almost forgot a disclaimer.**_

**_Red Dwarf and it's characters do not belong to me-they're just too funny not to write about XD. And that's it, please enjoy._**

_**My first Fan-fic, please let me know what you think.**_

**A New Game**

Dave Lister was whistling to himself. He'd finally decided to put 'that' plan in action. Lister went through his bunk (ignoring Rimmer), and over to the sink, where he began brushing his teeth as noisily as possible, taking every opportunity to annoy bonehead that was presented.

"I know what you're doing, the same thing you do every moment we're in the same room. You're trying to annoy me into saying something stupid and you'll mock me for weeks to come." Rimmer finally turned to look at Lister. "Well, not this time me laddo. I am most certainly going to react to you brushing-hang on, you're actually _brushing_your teeth, I thought you only saved that for special occasions?" Rimmer's nostrils flared as he spoke, indicating that Smegginess had powered up.

"Don't be a smeg head-I do brush my teeth once a day," Lister spat most of the toothpaste out, deliberately leaving some behind and pulled his lips apart exposing his teeth, covered in a faintly yellow toothpaste.

"Well, I have to admit you have none missing, but the pallor of those things leaves a lot to be desired, Listy. You might think about not brushing your teeth with yellow toothpaste for one."

Lister spat the contents of his mouth into the sink and observed it for a second. Then, having apparently decided what to say, he rinsed with water (or that would be the assumption) from a glass he'd been carrying and turned to face Rimmer, using the toothbrush like some kind of pointer.

"Well, if my teeth are so awful, then how come I've kissed more people than you can dream of, and you can't count your mum in your pitiful list.

"Ahem hem… well, yes Listy, I'm sure you'd like to believe that, but I bet every girl ran a mile when they smelt your breath, they only stayed as long as they did because you used breath spray."

"Still doesn't explain you, maybe I should show you why girls like me more than you."

Lister moved his face close to Rimmer and pressed forced their lips together. He opened his eyes only long enough to see Rimmers eyes bulging and watery, face shaking and his nostrils flared to the size of tunnels. He didn't back off at all (probably shock, and Lister had a hard time not laughing). Lister pulled away and instantly started washing his mouth out with water from the tap and brushing his tongue with his toothbrush. He looked over a Rimmer, sitting still in the same position.

"Errr… Rimmer?"

"HOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!"

"Ah."

Rimmer ran over to the tap and drank as much water as his body could take and still stood there scratching at his tongue.

Lister turned round and made a fist in a kind of celebratory motion. "YEEEEEES!!" He turned back round and saw Rimmer's eye's streaming. He really couldn't take the chilli powder. _That was so worth the grossness_, he said to himself, and moved as if too look after Rimmer. He took one look at his face, bright red-either from embarrassment or the chilli powder- and burst out laughing and pointing at Rimmer.

Mission Successfull


	2. A Mistake Can be Welcome

**A Mistake Can be Welcome**

"Listy, Listy, Listy... If you felt that way about me you should have just said it straight-I wouldn't have laughed...much." Rimmer had a tough time not laughing at what he thought was a great joke. In fact he was turning red from the effort before he released it and gave the mad laugh of one really uncomfortable. He calmed down for a second, all the while Lister was just sitting there smirking quietly to himself, nodding his head slightly as if sarcastically accepting Rimmer's accusation.

"You know, I should be saying the same thing-and it's more provable." Rimmer's face contorted in a strange and unattractive look of shock, anger and being totally lost for words-only Rimmer could pull it off.

"yeah, you sat there, dead still and didn't fight back. And you looked like you were going to cry from overwhelming joy." Lister allowed himself to laugh again.

Rimmer's face moved back to it's usual shape, and He held he finger out as if to accuse the air of something. Then he stopped for a second before making a start on his 'speech'.

"You know, why does everyone bully me, any time they have the chance they always annoy me-without fail!" He was silent for a second before speaking again. "Oh yeah, and whose idea was it to kiss me with a mouthful of chilli powder anyway? Seriously, you're as perverse as the people who used to write all of those fan-fiction things."

"Well, you'll not eat anything when I'm around any more, so where'd be the fun in getting it to you that way." He said as if it was common knowledge. "Plus I see now why you never had any girlfriends (of course I exclude inflatable Ingrid) if you make face like that every time you kiss someone."

They were half out of the room at this point, and were greeted by the familiar yowling from down the corridor.

"Hey Cat!" Lister called out and gave him a high five.

"I'm happy for you, I've never seen Goalpost head looking so annoyed, what'd you to make him so annoyed." He straightened his shirt out before stating "I'm happy for me too, I don't think I've ever looked so good. Yeeeoooooooowww."

"Ha haa." Exclaimed Lister to Rimmer.

"I'll tell you what he did, he kissed me, and it was bloody hot I can tell you."

"Uhhhh.....huh..." The Cat looked kind of revolted and spun off down the corridor, when he stopped to check his reflection a few steps down, his look of revulsion turned to shock and he sped off even faster.

Lister rubbed his forehead with his thumb an index finger before looking up at Rimmer. "Oh, Smeg... What on Earth did you just say... You're on your own mate."

Rimmer was too busy shoving his fist into his mouth and flaring his nostrils to notice, so, chuckling, Lister left Rimmer there to decide where to hide and headed off to the sleeping quarters-locking the door behind him.

It wasn't much later that he heard a frenzied knock at the door, Rimmer was there, and as usual, his people skills were such that he didn't even want to attempt to explain to the Cat.

The Cat burst into the laundry room, where Kryten was there, hand washing what certainly smelt like Lister's socks.

"Yeeeoooooow!"

" Hello Cat, I suppose you didn't come to the laundry room for no reason, because as you can see, I'm rather busy."

"Nah, man, I just heard goalpost head say how hot a kiss with Lister was! what do you think that meant?!"

"Huh?!"

"And even worse, when I saw myself in a mirror, I realised my face had gone green! Do you know how badly that clashes with red!?" The Cat gave a deliberate tug on his new brown jacket. "I had to change before anyone saw me clashing like that."

"What's up dudes?" Holly appeared on the screen unnoticed, apparently oblivious to the situation.

"Lister and Rimmer... K-k-k-kissed?!"

Holly vanished from the screen with a shifty look so obvious that even the Cat would have noticed it, had he been looking.

"Well, that's what he said. The thought really made my heckles stand up"

" I suppose we'd better find out what's going on. There should be no secrets between close friends as we all are."

"Yeah, and I need to get the image out of my head. It's ruining my ability to think. Yeeeoooooooowww!"

Lister was sat on the bunk looking through one of his magazines, Rimmer had given up a while ago and, he supposed, gone somewhere else to hide. Holly appeared on the screen and, with eyes scanning the entire room said 'How's it hanging dude.' It was more of a statement than a question, and seeming apparently satisfied by what he found, left. Lister just looked at the screen and shook his head in wonder at the senile computer. He straightened out the magazine and was absorbed again.

Cat came marching round the corner combing his hair, closely followed by Kryten worriedly looking around and mumbling to himself.

"This is all because I told him about Kochanski, _it's all my fault_." his voice went whiny by the end of the sentence. Then he changed his opinion. "No, it's all her fault for dumping him-she drove him to it."

They came to where Rimmer was leaning against the bunk door, apparently locked out.

"Have a lover's tiff did you?!" Kryten made a face like he was trying not to cry (obviously a mechanoid can't but...)

"What!? Now listen here you gimboid, there is not a chance in hell I would ever be even friends with that mistake for a human being!"

"But... but... but...."

"No buts _Kritey_, the Cat made a mistake I'm sure of it."

The door opened, and out stepped Lister. He looked as if he was about to say something when Holly appeared on the wall.

"Hey, I think I know what's going on."

"Oh yeah?" The crew answered together in a strange discordant way.

"Yeah, it seems Kryten and the Cat think Lister and Rimmer, are umm.. 'together', and ummm... yeah, from the way Rimmer's locked out I think.... they don't seem chummy enough. Yeah."

"Huh?" They answered in unison again and Holly vanished in a way that was obviously meant to look mysterious.

" Okay, as I was about to say," Lister started "Is everything you say is completely and totally true. Rimmer was feeling so completely fed up with being lonely he kissed me... ugh, still can't get the taste out of my mouth." Lister downed a large swig of lager and waited for the inevitable. Rimmer stood up to speak and Lister took his cue and got their first. "Bonehead here seems not to know enough about kissing to see that people struggle when they don't like what's happening."

Rimmer's ears turned red and he started to speak again, physically shaking from anger. "What!? WHAT!? He bloody well kissed me with a mouth full of chilli powder!"

Lister started to chuckle. "Gross, but worth the look on your face. And, you know, I meant the last thing I said." He stopped dramatically, a moronic grin covering his face, and took another swig. "I didn't notice a sign of struggle, just your nostrils flared (not unusual) and eyes bulging, and from your comment to the Cat I'd have to question whether you enjoyed it-despite the chilli" Lister and the Cat both burst into hysterics and high-fived each other. While Kryten was guiltily laughing behind his hand.

**OMG _'He kissed me, and it was bloody hot I can tell you' _I didn't expect that at all. I just wrote it, and then realised the other interpretation. My stories are never planned. lol, I surprise myself sometimes...**


	3. Wearing Thin

**Wearing Thin**

"You had this planned from the beginning didn't you?"

"Had what planned?" Lister barely moved from his position in bed in response to Rimmer.

"Everything. You had everything planned right from the beginning." Rimmer was up and sorting through his photo collection (all of the telephone poles he photographed back on earth).

"Nah, no way could I plan all that, I know I'm a super genius and all, but who can plan ahead like that. I mean who'd have though you'd say 'that' to the Cat?.. Me? I just seized the opportunity." Lister chuckled again to himself. It was, he thought, the best joke he'd played on Rimmer ever, he wasn't going to let this go for a while. After all, he'd put a lot on the line for that gag.

"You know what?"

"Wha'?"

"You made a bigger fool of yourself than me. And even when you've done something so incredibly awful and embarrassing every one's still on your side. Why?" Rimmer looked kind of smug-as was usual when he wasn't panicking, "Because you're a goit, and a completely ignorant one at that. You stand there confidently insulting me, and everyone overlooks what you say and do that'd be embarrassing to any normal human being."

"Ha, Rimmer - what I do, what I _always _do, is wind you up, and watch your reaction and laugh along with the rest of the crew. Never-not once-are my jokes taken seriously. Aside from by you."

"Bah, smeg off."

"Will do." Lister turned onto his back and began whistling to himself.

"Argh, I give up." Rimmer stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him. A few seconds later Rimmer opened the door again and looked in. "You know what I hate about you?"

"Just give it a rest will yeh? I'm tryin' to get some kip."

"That." Rimmer mumbled and left the room yet again and stormed off down he hall.

**A few days later**

Lister lay back, looking at the roof of his 'hole' for a bed. The joke had worn thin and vanished quicker than he'd hoped, though what hope is there for it to last any longer when you're around the smeg head constantly. With hours and hours to spare, sure you're gonna have used up all your jokes pretty quickly.

Time for another plan, and this one with hopefully less risks to Lister's pride.

**Sorry it was so short, might upload another chapter at some point, hopefully.**


End file.
